"All Aboard The Soul Funky Train" - Fred Wesley

"All Aboard The Soul Funky Train" (PDF) from The J.B.'s album, Hustle With Speed, and compilation, Funky Good Time: The Anthology.
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"Greetings, Mr. Wesley.  I hope this letter finds you well.  Over the past ten years, I have studied and admired your trombone playing.  I have even gone so far to transcribe your solos in order to deeper understand your musicianship (ahem).  You have been performing for most of your life, have toured the world, and have influenced generations of younger players.  However, in regards to your performance on the tune, 'All Aboard The Soul Funky Train,' I simply have two words for you:  screw you.

Let me explain.  Over the past three weeks, I have been transcribing this recording, and upon its completion I am convinced that you are not human.  You, sir, are a trombone playing robot.  In fact, I would contest that if such technology were bestowed upon this world from Planet Funk during the mid-twentieth century, you could even be some sort of human/robot hybrid.  But as we all know, the robot vs. human war of 1983 (The Battle of 'Rockit') [YouTube video expired] forced all the hybrids to choose a side.  The wise robots have since gone into hiding, but a growing faction still exists today, known as the Autotunebots.  They can be easily detected by their mechanical pronunciation of the word, 'party.'

Sure, Mr. Fredbot 2000, you may pass the inspections with your 'House Party,' but how do you begin to explain the onslaught of sixteenth-notes found in this recording?  More so, the steady rhythmic syncopation, the technical flexibility, and the grounded placement within the pocket is frankly ridiculous.  Even when it is all sensibly expressed in four-bar phrases, I continue to be baffled over the supercilious use of pentatonic scales and arpeggios.  But I refuse to be fooled by your 'tromfoolerly.'

Unfortunately for you, we have gathered valuable reconnaissance over the years.  For instance, here is a YouTube video [expired] of you doing what you do best.  A lost audio recording of yours has also surfaced.  And we will keep track of your every move.  Ha ha ha!  Worse yet, we have even recovered your very own manifesto:

Recommended Reading: Hit Me, Fred: Recollections of a Sideman by Fred Wesley Jr.  Published by Duke University Press.

Take heed, Funky Trombot: you are unreal.

- trombone.alex"